


empty hands

by fictionalrobin



Series: a life without sensation [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Dead Magnus Bane, Depressed Alec Lightwood, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad Alec, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, im disgusting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 01:52:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14033589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalrobin/pseuds/fictionalrobin
Summary: alec copes with Magnus's death(read the tags)





	empty hands

The world was empty.

The darkness stretched as far as the eye reached. Cold. Waste. Overpowering. 

Towering over him like a giant.

And the only thing,

The only thing breaking the dark was a the heart monitor.

It stood so lonely. The green light formed a halo around the head and the screen with the flat line. Flat. Completely flat. No bump or rise. Nothing. Just the line getting longer and longer and longer and longer.

Stretching. 

Stretching.

Into infinity.

Alec opened his eyes.

 

He starred into the plain wall of his room. White and dull just like all the other rooms in institute. It'd been his view for the past three months. That and the ceiling. 

He closed his eyes again.

If he could just go back to sleep.

But he could still hear it.

The heart monitor.

He rarely slept these days. Mostly because of the cold. It felt cold. So cold not having another body in bed. But the times he did sleep, he dreamt about the heart monitor. Standing alone in the blank darkness. Shrieking for hours. 

It was hard.

Harder than he'd thought it would've been. Loosing Magnus. Loosing his mind with him. 

Loosing his mind. 

Sometimes it felt like he was still there. 

Sometimes he could hear his voice. Feel the bed dip as he slipped up behind Alec and wrapped his arms around him. 

Even thought there was no one there.

He sighed. 

There was no going back to sleep. He could feel it. Not with the way his body ached. 

He rolled around. 

Where was it? 

His hands scattered across the dirty sheets. Maybe he'd accidently thrown it off the bed in his sleep? He was just about to sit up, when his fingers grazed the soft texture of silk. 

There.

He pulled out the billowing turqouise fabric from underneath the pillow and smushed it against his face. Squeezing his eyes shot, he inhaled deeply and sighed. It was the shirt Magnus had been wearing, the day Alec came to ask him for help with his sisters trial. It was one of Alecs favourite, and had been what'd gotten him through the past month. 

Most of it's scent had faded by now. 

But he didn't have the willpower to go get a new one. 

And it was still comforting. A way for him to fool himself into thinking Magnus would come back. That he just working late. Any minute Magnus would gently creak the door open. Gently slip into bed, smelling like rain and fresh coffee. Kiss the outer shell of his ear as he mumbled apologies and commitments of love into his ear. 

His chest hurt.

His whole torso ached. 

Dumb hunger. Why did he have to be hungry? Why did there have to be so much pain? It would be so easy if he could just fall asleep and starve to death without feeling a thing. Who knows? Maybe he wouldn't dream about the heart monitor then. Maybe there would be two of them? Standing side by side, singing into the nothingness forever. 

But nothing was ever going to be easy, was it? 

Not anymore. 

Not even fucking dying. 

He had already tried to kill himself. He'd gone to the bathroom and taken all the pills he could find. He'd figured something in there had to kill him. 

But it hadn't worked.

He'd just gotten a headache. 

Stupid.

It was stupid.

He was stupid. 

Why couldn't everything just go away?

He didn't want any god damn food or water. 

He just wanted to sleep. 

He just wanted to hug his boyfriend. 

Was that too much to ask for?


End file.
